Living In The Past
by Seadragon
Summary: Living in the past can only make you miss it more, but for some people it's the only escape. [Complete]


Everyday, it's the same thing. "He isn't James Sirius!" "If I didn't know better, I'd say you see James instead of Harry." "He isn't coming back Sirius." "You can't live in the past Sirius!" And, I'll tell you, it gets tiring, assuring them I'm not crazy. But what do I know? Maybe I am crazy, I really can't tell. All I know is he isn't here, and never will be again, unless I close my eyes and let my mind slip a few years back, well fifteen years back, but whose counting? Because that's all I really want. To have him back. Really, I was missing him even when he was right next to me, don't ask me why. They say to never analyze the mind of a crazy mind, so I can't tell you."  
  
I think it began about twenty years ago, when we were fifteen. That was when I started missing the person I saw everyday. Maybe it was because I knew we only had a few more years on some level, maybe I didn't want to grow up. Or maybe, I knew I could never have him. Its tough, it really is, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, because they don't know until they've lived it.  
  
But I'm missing James, every waking moment of every day. I don't even have you, you don't understand, and never will, so there is no point trying to explain. It's a cold world when you're alone, and now I'm alone, and freezing, at least my heart is. Only so long until I don't feel at all. But that's not possible, because I'm in love with a dead man. Yes, I love him. Don't look so surprised. I don't like that look in your eyes. I know it all too well by now, pity.  
  
Well pity hurts. It's like you're reaching for my heart, and twisting it harshly. There's no need to do that, I'll survive, and if I don't, all the better. So leave me be, and let me remember in peace. You say you're bringing me back to reality, but what if I want to stay in the past? It's safe for me there. No tears, no memories, no hate.  
  
You tell me I'm hiding, but I have one question for you. Why shouldn't I hide? There isn't anything for me here. It's better for me not to see things from day to day, because every little thing reminds me of him.  
  
When she accused me of thinking Harry was James, it hurt. I could never confuse the two. Don't get me wrong, the kid's great. But he ain't James, and I could never forget that. That was an insult, and a painful one at that. To imply I wouldn't recognize James, that is the most, the worst, the most awful thing I have ever heard, except for the news that James was dead.  
  
You say I need to focus on now, but what if I don't want to? What ever happened to freedom? Has that gone down the tubes like everything else that once was good in this world? I like to enjoy those happy times again, thank you very much. You should try it sometime.  
  
Do you remember everything that happened? I do, and those memories will never die, because I have a reason to hold onto. They are all I have left.  
  
You know what? If I had one wish, I wouldn't wish for Harry's safety and well being, like everyone thinks. I would wish for James back. I don't care if that's wrong, but that's all I want, or life isn't worth it. I'd rather let go. The only thing keeping me here is the hope that he could be coming back, and I want to be here when he does.  
  
You look angry. Don't be angry. Please. I've already lost one, I don't need you to pull away. I've had enough of that. Your eyes are filling with rage, but I don't need that, I couldn't take that. You go, and I go too. You're my only tie to the world of the living. Don't go, don't slam the door. Don't leave me standing here. Don't leave me alone again.  
  
I think its time to give up. I know I'm talking to thin air now, but I have to explain to someone. I think it's time to see James again. So goodbye. Goodbye Remus. You've given up on me, so now I'm giving up on everything. Tell Molly that Harry could never be James. No need to tell Dumbledore anything, he'll understand. Remus, I am sorry, but I think its time for me to see James again. 


End file.
